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‘I hope my journey with AIDS touches your heart’
By John Forbes
What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear the words HIV or AIDS? Do you think of emaciated bodies in Africa? Perhaps you think it is a medical problem, for medical professionals only. Do you think of homosexuals? Maybe you think it is God’s judgment. Or you think, “It will never happen to me, so why should I care?”
Regardless of what point of view you hold, it is important to be in touch with what you think and feel. With nearly 40 million people living with HIV in the world, and many of them slipping into eternity without Christ, we need to make sure we have God’s heart in the matter.
As someone who has dealt with homosexuality, the demographic that many people think of first when they think of AIDS, I am well aware of the judgments. But I would like to share a bit about my journey as someone living with AIDS in hopes that it touches your heart.
I came to Christ in 1981 from an alcoholic household – a hostile and scary environment. I longed to be acknowledged by my father in a healthy way and to be affirmed as a man. This, among other factors, set me up to struggle with my sexual identity as a man and to ultimately believe a lie.
For the first eight years of my Christian walk, I was deeply involved in ministry sharing in evangelism, leading worship, discipling new believers, and building the Kingdom any way I could. I was thrilled to have a new family. I was trying to figure out what it meant to be a new creature in Christ – and to deal with a broken identity. I was an accomplished actor and singer, but it could not save me from my internal struggle. During a very rocky time in my life, I fell into sexual sin. It opened up the door to much doubt and condemnation. “I thought Jesus could deliver me from a homosexual life,” I thought. “What does that mean?”
I found that many Christians could not enter into dialogue with me at this point – including many pastors. This was a turning point that three years later sent me back into the world. I started to drink again and dabble with cocaine. I was trying to numb the pain that I had inside. I was drawn into the homosexual lifestyle looking for companionship and drank to silence my conscience. This behavior continued, and then came the day I found out I was infected. Here is a little more of my story.
The diagnosis
New York City, June 1995. I was led by the nurse’s assistant to the examination room. As I waited for the doctor, my heart was racing. This was my follow-up appointment for some tests that I had done. I had been feeling really weak, with cold-like symptoms and blood in my urine. It could just be a bad flu, or maybe I had a bladder infection. However, my brother-in-law was just diagnosed with cancer. Could I have cancer? Could God be catching up with me? I felt outside of the reach of his grace. I was working in the theatre as a producer in New York and Europe. I had become a part of a prestigious theatre company and was part of a very influential group of people. Yet I was very empty inside.
Over the course of eight years, through very simple daily choices, I had ended up on a major destructive path – a path whose consequences brought me ultimately into this examination room. Now I was awaiting someone to come in and tell me my fate.
When the door of the examination room opened, I knew it was bad news. I saw the doctor’s hands trembling, and his face looked pale. This was 1995 in New York City, and people were still dying from AIDS.
Then it came, “Mr. Forbes, I am sorry to inform you that you have tested positive for HIV,” he said. I could see the doctor’s mouth moving, but I could not hear what he was saying. This seemed to go on for quite some time until I realized that I had to get it together. I had to be to work in an hour. How was I going to work? I can’t tell anyone this news!
There were a couple issues the doctor discussed. I was referred to an infectious disease specialist, and then I was told to get dressed and to see the receptionist. He shook my hand and turned and walked outside the door. I thought, “Receptionist? Oh yeah, I get to pay for this news.” So I got dressed, got out my checkbook, and stood in line with a blank stare. She said, “Okay, Mr. Forbes that will be $150”
I heard myself say, “Okay, thanks.”
Thanks? Thanks for what? Although thankful is one of the words I use to describe my life since my HIV positive diagnosis, thankful was certainly not what I was feeling at that time!
‘You are dirty’
I remember the walk out of that office and onto the street. I moved toward the East River on 34th Street. I wanted to be near the water and to be able to look out, away from the crushing feeling I had inside. All of Manhattan seemed to fall on me. I got to the edge of the river and started to sob. I had no idea what to do next. I was almost certain the Lord was punishing me for my sinful behavior. And yet I never wanted to be gay. How did things get so complicated?
I tried to rally up strength to go on. I told one close friend at work that day and then waited six months to tell family and friends. I was met with some love and support from a few incredible people; only one of them was a Christian. Judgment was a typical response, sometimes unspoken. People seemed uncomfortable with me being near their children, or I could see they would not want me to touch food at their homes. Or they would be tense when I would hug them. Many messages from the outside told me, “You are dirty.”
I tried to go back to churches, but I thought, “I will ultimately get back to these core issues with God about homosexuality and other Christian judgments and I don’t know if I can change as a person anymore. What does it mean to really change? Can I bear to disappoint God again or to feel like a failure anymore?”
I tried to throw myself back into my career, but this emptiness and dread did not go away. I had developed a full-fledged drinking habit, binging sometimes for three days at a time. Additionally, my minor cocaine habit turned into an addiction to crack. I think deep inside I thought my life didn’t matter.
Overwhelmed by mercy
It wasn’t until 2001 when I developed AIDS that I knew the reality of my time on this planet was coming to an end. I knew I was going to die, and I was fearful of meeting Jesus. I knew I had a call on my life, and I certainly had not fulfilled it. In a moment of revelation, I saw the Lord on his throne and me approaching him. I just began to weep. I became aware of God’s love for me at that moment. Not with head knowledge but with an incredible sense of his presence. It overwhelmed me. I could not stop crying. God really is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love – he doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve. After all I had done, I was still met with his mercy.
Since developing AIDS in 2001, and that encounter with the Lord, things have radically turned around for me. The Lord has firmly established me in his truth and love. I am growing in grace and the knowledge of that love. It is transforming the deepest part of me. I know him. He is restoring my physical health. He took an alcoholic and a drug addict with AIDS and opened up opportunities for me to share his love all over the world. I have traveled nearly 250,000 miles in the last five years to South Africa, Uganda, India, Egypt, Israel, England, Scotland, the United States, and Canada. I have had the privilege of sharing my story of living with AIDS with pastors and leaders, at churches and universities. Through speaking and singing, I’ve reminded people of the transformational power of the cross of Jesus Christ!
I got to bring Broadway to Bhekulwandle when I produced the opening festivities launching the “Centre of Hope” in a township in South Africa. It was officiated by the King of the Zulu Nation, the Mayor of Durban, and 1,000 invited guests. The centre, founded by my friends at Seed of Hope Ministries, is reaching out to those infected with and affected by HIV. I was also privileged to participate in the first Christian AIDS conference in India and to do workshops to encourage those who are living with HIV. I have had the privilege of sharing the Gospel with thousands of individuals. I was someone who thought God could not use me anymore. Many others thought I was a throw-away! However, as the Bible says, God chose the low things of this world, and the despised things of this world, so that no one would boast before him.
As a whole, because of stigma, the Church did not respond properly or timely to those with HIV/AIDS. Thankfully, after 20 years we are moving forward. It is my heart to see the Church in North America and the rest of the world rise up and respond with compassion and mercy to those who are caught in this dreadful disease. The eternal destiny of millions of people depends on us.
John Forbes is an international speaker/evangelist who has 23 years of experience in the theater. He is the founder of AGAPE, Inc. International (A Global AIDS Perspective Enterprise, online at www.agapeincintl.org), an organization which seeks to mobilize the Church to care for those infected with and affected by HIV/AIDS. You may contact him at john@agapeincintl.org.
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