There is a verse in the Bible that causes me a great deal of shame or pain or guilt—I really don’t know which! “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” (Proverbs 22:6 NIV). One of my children stopped attending church after she left our home and she’s living a very rebellious life. I can’t help but feel that this verse is telling me that if I had just trained her right, this wouldn’t be happening.

This great proverb has been the source of more heartache than you can imagine. I hope I can help you toward healing your hurt.

Here’s the pattern that leads to heartache such as yours:

As Christian parents, we'd like to have a guarantee that our kids will follow God even more fully than we have. With that desire, we come across this verse and think, “That's it! God has promised that I’ll always have great children.”

But then it happens: Your child has a rough time in junior high or maybe in college. Then he or she falls in with the wrong friends, and the heart for God that you’d hoped to see in him or her is nowhere to be seen. And then comes the thought that brings the heartache: “God promised that if I’d only raise my kids right, then they wouldn't turn away. What's wrong? God’s promise can’t fail, so maybe there is something wrong with the way that I raised my children.”

Let me say three things:

First, in this world, there is no such thing as a perfect parent. This proverb is not about guaranteeing that your kids will turn out perfectly if you're perfect, nor is it about blaming yourself for the fact that you are less than perfect. We live in an imperfect world.

Second, in heaven, there is a perfect Parent. God's actions toward us are always perfect, never selfish, and filled with constant love. Yet, look at how many of his children have turned away from that love. It started in the Garden of Eden! If God's perfect love toward us cannot guarantee that none of his children will ever fall away, how can we put that burden on our parenting? Your teaching cannot violate your children’s free will to do the wrong thing, any more than God's direction could keep Adam and Eve from eating the fruit on that tree.

Third, what, then, does this proverb mean? As with most Proverbs, it expresses a universal principle, not an individual promise. But it’s important to pay attention to the phrase I paraphrase here: When they are old, they will not depart from it.

Those good lessons that you taught were heard; they did sink in. Those teachings sank in so deeply that maybe even after you’re gone, they’ll emerge again to give direction to your child.

“Even children are known by their behavior; their actions show if they are innocent and good” (Proverbs 20:11 NCV).

Illustration: Jon Cannell